End of Year Ramblings…

I always seem to struggle this time of year. I’m one to look back and measure progress and the lack thereof. I often get lost in the past trying to piece together coherence where there seems to be none and second guessing myself on the many calls that didn’t turn out quite like I had hoped.

I know all people struggle but some seem to do it so much more gracefully than others and overall seem to have a better track record than the one I keep on myself. I’m deciding to consider I might be a slow learner…

How to make sense of such a large and complex world I have not quite figured out. Throw in my belief of the sovereignty of God and it becomes in some ways even more difficult to grasp, yet I do. I believe…

Trying to fit together the pieces of the puzzle that is my life without becoming weighted down by long ago failures is sometimes impossible for me to do. I question and wonder over turns that I took and the task of remembering the details that are necessary for answering the whys is never a pleasant path to walk, yet I do, each time around this year, without fail, I take that long winding path back to the early days when things went from pleasant to unpleasant and then off the cliff into darkness. What a long and sorrowful journey out of that confusing place, even looking back hurts…

Why do it? That I cannot answer. It just happens. The end of year rolls in and a life in review begins to play itself out in my mind just as the tides come and go, so too do the memories of my past.

As I was searching and struggling quietly earlier, I gazed over to my little friend, Noah, who sat quietly playing his game. I thought of grace and second chances. I thought of love and peace that I find in this child each day and I called myself blessed for surely I am.

All of my needs are abundantly met and what once was my trouble is only a troubling thought and memory this day. For that I am deeply grateful, but for all others who find themselves as I do with disquieting thoughts of the past, I write to encourage, to say you are not alone. For reasons we cannot understand this side of heaven, trials of all kinds come into our lives. We are buffeted and tried in all manner of ways and we endure. We continue to get up each day, pray and hope. As I said once while teaching, we pray, we trust, and we try. That is the best we can do.

For each day of peace, I give thanks. For every day of struggle, I pray to live it out in grace. May our unanswered questions be laid to rest and our long ago sorrows released to the silence of the past.

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